The Apostate in Me
by romanceobbsesed
Summary: Evelyn is an apostate, but she originally lived in the circle. Cullen is curious to why she ran away. But is it worth knowing? Maybe the past is too hurtful to bring up... A one shot depicting the dialogue between Cullen and his Inquisitor on why she ran from the circle and her opinions on templars ((disclaimer: I do not own dragon age or any of its characters)) (CullenxInquisitor)


_**This is a one-shot taking place at Skyhold before any major romance happens between Cullen and my Inquisitor, it plays with the idea that instead of being a circle mage she was an apostate. She ran from circle life years ago but templars had found her. On their way back to the circle they stopped at the conclave for rest...well then all that important storyline shit happened and boom!**_

* * *

Evelyn Trevelyan had come a long way since the explosion at the conclave. Now she was widely known as inquisitor, and Cullen often wondered if many people even knew her name. When she was younger she was raised as a noble, with eventual plans to marry someone of her stature or higher. Cullen remembered that she had mentioned how she hated being a noble woman practicing how to wave and dance, though she genuinely had respect for those who could dance. Evelyn was much more interested in gardening and fighting, she often told stories of the guardsmen who had taught her self-defense after some of the boys pulled her hair. However, she was very young when she was sent to the circle and Cullen supposed that most of her fighting prior to his own training of her was just from practicing what the guardsmen had already taught. When she first asked Cullen to train her to fight he thought it a ridiculous notion that as a powerful mage she needed it, but he obliged thinking she wanted to feel safer. He reasoned that it was simply self-defense in order to stay safe, but he quickly learned how she enjoyed the workout and being pushed to her breaking point. Evelyn was a fast learner and an exceptional leader, she lived up to the title inquisitor in every way. She was strong willed and compassionate but also cold and harsh when needed. Frankly, she had been a wonderful leader so far and made decisions that the Hero of Ferelden and Commander of the Grey himself would struggle with.

Cullen was quickly growing fond of her, not only for her personality but her beauty. It was uncommon that anyone captured his eyes as she did. For many readons one being the way her blonde hair glimmered in the sun. Evelyn demanded on keeping her hair long despite everyone constantly telling her that it would get yanked in battle. Her stubbornness always had everyone backing down, Cullen couldn't really argue with it, after all, it looked good on her. Usually, she wore her hair in a braid to the side that made it just to the bottom of her breast but today it was worn in a bun atop her head, her bangs were cut to the side and framed a pale face. Like most of the Trevelyans she was short, but unlike the other noble women in her family she wore modest clothes and even when not in battle. She wasn't good at makeup, or so he had heard her explain to Josephine and he supposed that was why he never saw much more than a thin black line under her eyes. However girls were often tricky with makeup and he could hardly tell when they were wearing it, yet if those same girls didn't wear it he would notice quite quickly. She had a tattoo on her hand of a butterfly and then another on her neck right behind her ear. With her long hair she would hide it a lot but when she had started pulling it back for their training sessions he noticed it. He often wanted to ask why two butterflies, but figured it not his place.

Evelyn was in sight from Cullen's office. Which was the main reason he was outside looking down below, she was walking the courtyard and studying reports. Cullen smiled at the sight of her lips moving to the words that must have been scribbled on the paper by a very busy Josephine. She glided her hand through her bangs forcing them back behind her ear and out of her eyes. Now as he fiddled with his hands he realized he was staring and quickly diverted his eyes away.

He found himself thinking of her more often than he should. After all, he was the commander of her army it was inappropriate to think of her in this way. To think of her soft skin beside him in his chambers and cute little breathing beside his ear, or the whisper of his name from her lips. He shook his head to relieve the teasing thoughts his mind tortured him with. He knew she wouldn't be interested in him. Evelyn had soft small features, and often times Cullen was shocked that she could be harsh, calculating, and downright cold. Especially towards a templar. Cullen supposed that was because she was an apostate running from life in the circle. Although Cullen was no longer a Templar that would always be a part of his past. He wandered back into his office. What he kept telling his brain, and unfortunately what his brain wasn't listening too, was that he needed to stop this, because he couldn't be distracted from his duties.

Still he couldn't help himself, he was attracted to her stunning beauty, but even more so to her intelligence and strength. It was hard to believe that she had been an apostate.

It was such an ugly word for such a beautiful woman.

She had once lived in the circle. He supposed there must have been a reason for leaving, and he knew that life there wasn't always a bed of roses but wasn't it better than running? He would've liked to know her reasoning, though he'd never had asked. She wasn't a blood mage and had no trouble following rules as she was often advised what to do here. So what was it that made her run away?

If he was completely honest with himself he knew that he wasn't entirely comfortable with her being an apostate. After all, he was trained to think that they were all cowards or blood mages, but here she was risking her life time and time again for everyone else and always advocated against blood magic because it was unstable. Still, her green eyes had a hidden pain in them and though she wasn't very open to him now, he ached to be closer to her.

He stared at his own reports for awhile. His mind still couldn't focus and he found himself wondering back outside to try to find her once again, but now she was nowhere in sight.

* * *

The night was colder than usual and Cullen had almost worked up enough gumption to climb the ladder behind him and go to bed when a messenger came in claiming to have last minute reports. He grabbed them and placed the papers on his desk without looking at them, with a nod at the soldier he dismissed him to leave.

Why was every soldier here so damn young? He felt old looking at all these sixteen-year-old boys with big doe eyes that shined with a lack of experience. Most of the boys in his army had never killed a man, and though he was teaching them to do it properly, he figured none of them would return to their lives of being a child. He dismissed this thought and took a look at the reports on his desk. He was shocked to find that these were the same ones he had done earlier. He had sent them to Josephine to approve the financial statuses and then eventually onto the inquisitor for the final say in the matter.

He looked at the note on the top of the stack and quickly realized the mistake, they were supposed to have gone to the inquisitor. He shrugged no use complaining over a simple mistake he looked out the door for the messenger who had made the mistake. Long gone.

He contemplated leaving it for the morning, after all, he was tired and wasn't even sure if Evelyn was awake. Then he thought of seeing her and he smiled again. This was his excuse….bringing reports to her wasn't inappropriate, in a way, it was his job.

He hurried out the door faster than he should have excitement coursing through him.

* * *

He made it to her quarters and nervously stood behind her big wooden door. Why was he so bloody nervous?! It was an official business visit, but as he stood there outside her room it felt like more than that.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Now, as he was standing on the other side of the door he considered turning around because he heard no noise from her and thought she must have been in bed by now. Still, he had come this far and didn't see much point in turning around. So he mustered courage and gave two little knocks on the big door in front of him.

He waited but after a few minutes with no response he knocked again this time calling out, "Inquisitor?" he heard something scrape the floor as she called back. "Oh. Just a minute please." then he waited what seemed like forever though it was only a minute or two.

" Okay come in."

He opened the door slowly and looked around the big room focusing, only for a moment, on the bed big enough for two. He was a little confused when he didn't see her, but his eyes dragged to the other side of the room where he noticed the screen in front of her bath tub. So that's what she had dragged.

"I'm sorry to disturb your bath inquisitor, I just have some reports for you that accidentally made their way back to me." She groaned a bit before responding. "Cullen how many times do I need to tell you I prefer Evelyn. And had I known you had more of those bloody reports I would not have answered." she giggled and it made him blush as he chuckled. "Ah but Evelyn half the struggles of war is paperwork."

She giggled again and it made his heart flutter. " Alright, then I suppose bath time is over." Guilt wound up in his chest, but he was also intrigued. "There isn't really need for that I can just leave these on your desk and you can get them tomorrow." she sighed standing up. "I was getting all pruney anyways. And besides why wait tomorrow for what I can do today." she wrapped the robe around her and stepped out from behind the screen.

The minute he saw her his heart started to pound and his eyes widened. Her legs were long and lean despite her lack of height and dripping wet. The robe was short and barely covered her round backside, and her hair was a wet tangled mess. She was sexy as hell, and he hoped that the hardening in his pants was not as noticeable as he felt it was. _Cullen stop it she's the inquisitor, and you're the commander this isn't your place!_

"Okay let's see these reports." he handed them to her. Then he turned to go slightly disappointed, he wasn't exactly sure what he had been expecting, but he did know he wanted more from this. Which was a silly notion she was preparing for bed what else could come from this but an awkward meeting? Her voice stopped him. "This will only take a moment….if you'd like to stay and talk for awhile I'd really appreciate it. It seems that the fade isn't ready for me. I'm not sleepy at all."

He smiled, excitement once again rising, and nodded as she returned to her reading and marking. He looked around the room for a little while and found two chairs facing the window and made his way over to the one on the right.

She did finish in just a few moments like she had promised, and made her way to the other chair beside his.

He looked towards her a moment blushing, and then looked to the night sky. He smiled "I love the stars they are just so bright and pure. As a child my sister and I would stargaze in the dirt and then run into the house and get screamed at by my mother." she smiled at his story. She envied him. "At the castle when I was young I could never even think of getting dirty, but I would stare out my window at the sky when mama thought I was in bed. Then I went to the circle and of course, I wouldn't see the stars often. So I didn't see the stars again until I was sixteen. I laid on a sleeping bag in the woods and counted them to fall asleep. I was often terrified of being caught and it was hard to sleep at night."

He stared a moment he knew what he wanted to ask but wasn't so sure he should. "What is it, Cullen?" He looked into her eyes a moment and frowned. "Why did you run from the circle? You were safe there and you could've learned how to control your powers. You were young and already on your own….But you didn't need to be." she frowned and looked back to the stars for a minute.

There was a long silence. "Cullen you are a good man, and I'm sure you were a good templar." he cringed remembering the circle in Ferelden and Kirkwall. Was he a good Templar? Not in the slightest. He let her continue. "But you're naive to believe that I was safe there." she turned towards him now. "Do you know why the circle is awful?" he nodded.

"I get that it's awful….you're herded like cattle and trapped inside never able to…." she cut him off rubbing her temple. "No…." she talked in a whisper.

"Not all Templars are cruel...But every templar has a superiority complex. You think you are more than a mage is...and maybe that's because we mages are made out to be evil and a lesser person in general. Templars, however, are made out to be saviors. Protectors of the innocent." she sighed, though her mood slightly changed her tone was more of an explanation. Not shunning him, not pissed but almost sad sounding. "But they don't protect innocent mages."

She continued in that serious and saddened tone a little softer but still strongly worded. "They tell you to think of the circle as a home but it's policed by people that don't even consider me a full person."

He noticed that her hands were had become fists and the tightness in them turned them red, but she still calmly talked to him in that saddened tone "So let's say that a Templar decides to do something inexcusable to a young girl because he was attracted to her. That young mage is now hurt on a much deeper level than just physically. However, not a lot of people will believe her over the Templar she's accusing."

Honestly, it took him far too long to realize what she meant and that she was speaking of herself and not just a theoretical situation. She had been raped and at only fifteen. Her virginity had been taken forcefully by a Templar while in the circle. Cullen was frozen in place now, feeling sick as a dog but only for a moment. She stopped talking and looked back up to the stars wanting nothing more than to talk about something else, anything else. Though Cullen couldn't stop his mind from thinking about her story more. He was opening his eyes to something much bigger…

How had the system done her so wrong?

How had she been so strong through it?

He had heard plenty of similar stories, how many did he shake off as a lie from a mage?

This last question dug into him, biting at his conscious, but he wasn't a templar any longer. He knew better now and though he might never make up for his past he took comfort that from now on he wouldn't think this way wouldn't be so blind. Yet he still couldn't believe that the order was all bad, though he was no longer led to believe it was all good. Somehow he realized that deep down, she also knew not all templars were bad people. The order was corrupted, and in many ways, she was right about the superiority complexes. However it was still an important role to play and though it seriously needed some changing as did many things he assumed, he still hoped that in the approaching future, the future approaching faster than they could build their army he might add, that the order wouldn't be lost altogether.

Evelyn had shared with him her biggest secret, and now he hardly blamed her for running from the circle. When he thought of another girl, perhaps his sister even, he'd hope that someone, anyone would help her. Though he was sure that the mages showed her pity and tried to defend her it wasn't far fetched that for accusing a well-known templar she could have been punished. Then even after her punishment, she wouldn't be treated well by them, and who was to stop it from happening again? No one could, after all, there was no way she could keep another mage with her ALL the time, though it was mandatory that a templar watches her at all times. No wonder she found it hard to trust templars.

Their thoughts were the only thing filling the air. He sighed caring even more for her than before.

"That's why I ran from the circle. It wasn't easy to do, especially for a sixteen-year-old girl, but I did it." She sighed now and shifted in her seat. He had to admit he almost reached out and yanked her towards him. "I know my running away is why you distrust me… and I am sorry. However I can't change the past, and I am not sure that I want too. I couldn't stay there." He was silent for a moment unable to think of anything he could say. Nothing would make it better, he knew that. "How could anybody distrust you? You are the highlight of my day, usually. I mean and then other times you're a ruthless bitch! But I like that too." That made her giggle. "And besides Inqui- I mean Evelyn, as long as your hand glows green you are important here, needed. No one else can do what you can." Once again she smiled with a giggle escaping. That soft bubbly sound that made him want to squeeze her close to his chest.

She yawned looking at the stars and Cullen was realizing that though his visit was short it was well past time for bed, for the both of them he started to stand. "You don't have to leave, I actually quite enjoy speaking with you." Hearing her say that made his night in more than one way. However he wanted his Inquisitor strong for the coming days, and he himself needed a bit of a winter's nap. "Well, Evelyn I am afraid to say it is bedtime for the both of us. Though I do hope to speak more to you soon." She smiled brightly and he realized he would be holding his breath until their next chat.

* * *

He made it back to his office and climbed the loft to his bed. It was hard for him not to fall asleep the instant he hit his pillow. His bed was extremely comfortable, but he wanted to stay up just for a moment and think on his recent conversation. He sighed enjoying the comfort of his pillows, though he figured his bed was nowhere near the comfort level of the Inquisitors. Evelyn had been given the finest luxeries that could have been offered at the moment, despite her demands to service the army first. However Josephine declared that the Inquisitor's room had to be fit for at least a noble woman if not a queen. He didn't bother himself much with the politics of it all, but he remembered how impressed he was by the fact that she had chosen to put herself after every member of her army. She made alot of sacrifices for them and this made him glad that she was the Inquisitor, and not someone just after power. He felt as though she was really going to make a difference. After they defeated Corypheus of course.

But as he drifted off to sleep thinking of her, he had more faith in her ability to do so than ever before.


End file.
